I’ve been thinking about things in terms of my adoption journey – namely, thinking back on my thought processes from 2 years ago, sometimes 3 years ago.
Now that I’ve been back to Taiwan, seen the type of lifestyles they have, it’s been very intriguing to go back through my original blog archives and observe what I was thinking…
April 2007: Part of me just wants to cry, because this is the person I should have known, the person I should have had a close friendship with. After all, she’s only a year younger than me. We probably would have gotten along well.
January 2008: Sometimes I want to rename myself Huang Mei-Ling. Legally. As in, have people call me that on a regular basis. But at the same time, it just doesn’t completely fit me anymore. I’m not Huang Mei-Ling. And acknowledging that I have not been raised by Huang Shui-Quan (Father) and Huang Feng-Ying (Mother) is a truth.
October 2008: I want to tell her to get Mama and Baba. I want to hear their voices. I open my mouth to ask where Mama is, if I can speak to her. But then, as I listen to her type and click away, I want to cry out in frustration. Instead, I’m throwing a fit inside my head, I am blaming myself for not being good enough, for having to use a translator. I know it’s not my fault, but knowing that it’s not my fault isn’t making me feel better.
March 2009: It hurts because it brings out the realization that they only became parents through my mother’s tragedy and lack of support, it hurts because the reality is that I have two other parents who wanted to raise me but were helpless to find resources, it hurts because they [aparents] were advantaged and did not realize to which extent it would imprint on us all.
May 2009: It’s just… the reality is starting to sink in. As excited as I am about going, it’s going to be really difficult to say goodbye. Reality isn’t quite setting in fast enough. It won’t set in until we head off for the airport, even though I’ve known since February that this was going to happen. Everyone says I am not alone, but I beg to differ – after I walk through customs, I *will* be on my own.
Even as “recent” as 2008, I still had so many misconceptions of what reunion was going to be like.
After nearly 3 years, having studied enough grammar and basic vocabulary, I am finally able to read almost all of this letter in its entirety:

But there are always things to continue processing, to ponder about, to look back and reflect on. Now it’s too late, because for all the basic things I can read, there’s still so much more I want to uncover.
There are always questions, always answers that will only lead to more questions, answers that have been buried within the passage of time.
It doesn’t end.